I was going to come up here, rant, make a bunch of sex themed jokes, bla bla eventually making myself look like an idiot belonging in a radley ward (Pretty little liars reference) then, I decided not to, even though I was already halfway done writing it. The funny thing, its not my style I’m not funny, I don’t do funny. So I’m just going to talk.
Not too long ago my mum and I were stuck in traffic and the silence in the car was just too….suffocating, so we started talking, keep in mind that I can’t hold a conversation with my mum for more than 30 minutes without someone (meaning me) ending up in tears and sulking or someone (meaning her) yelling and screaming and shouting and bringing up some bad thing I did a month ago that I had already been punished for. Anyway, we were talking and somehow the conversation moved to…the easy way out, y’know popping 12 unprescibed prescription pills at once, shooting yourself in the head, drinking a cup of bleach and all that. Suicide is such a vulgar word *rme
Anyway, as usual, my mum started yelling but not at me…she was just yelling and I happened to be there
‘That’s wicked! Its a wicked thing to do! What about their families!?!’
And I’m like these people could be depressed
‘Ehn! They should cheer up!!!! Depression is not an excuse! They just want to be wicked’
And I’m like facepalm of the world, depression is a illness and I just didn’t answer her anymore…I put my earphones on, which is what I should have done from the beginning cause now I was in one of my moods…and no one likes my…moods.
See everyone gets depressed at some point, some people shake it off and move on, some people have to get therapy and some others just can’t get rid of it, even with therapy and good friends and everything.
Everyone just thinks depressed people need to talk, well that’s true, to an extent but sometimes, they just don’t want to talk or they can’t. There are no words to describe that empty feeling. When you just feel like nothing but you walk around with a smile cause you don’t want people to ask and you don’t have an answer and you can’t cry because the tears aren’t coming and you’re just sitting there staring at the wall and the hours pass and you don’t even notice. Other times, you have the words but you just can’t say it…or you just have no idea what’s wrong with you.
Are you okay?
I don’t know
what’s wrong with you?
I’m just tired
Tired of what?
I don’t know, I’m just so tired.
Then the emptiness becomes so unbearable that you just want to feel something, anything at all….that’s where cutting comes in.
‘The scars on my hand are the wounds of my heart’
some person said that, can’t remember who. The cutting might go on for a while and if its not checked, it could become an addiction, yes that’s possible. When you can’t feel anything at all then you get cut and all you feel is the pain of the cut, you don’t feel as empty in that moment before it starts to heal, like a weird high.
Sometimes people get past the cutting stage and then they get used to the pain, like when you’ve had Dokha or weed for almost half your life and the high just doesn’t feel as high anymore and the emptiness comes back…heavier cause there’s nothing you can do about it. Or is there? Here comes the easy way out.
Before you know it, that person is gone.
Now let’s talk about fakers, if you know you’re an attention seeking whore that just goes around claiming suicidal, I’d like to say, with all the authority vested in me by the dead…FUCK YOU
I really hope y’all go rot in the pits of hell for all eternity, choking on your own screams ^_^
Our bodies are built for self preservation…down to the most minute detail. We blink, to keep dust and stuff out of our eyes; self preservation. We have some other reflexes also for self preservation. Adrenaline, prepares a human body for fight or flight; self preservation. My point here is, it takes a boatload of willpower and strength to make up your mind to kill yourself and then actually do it or attempt and fail.
Fakers, mock this strength…again, fuck y’all -___-
So if you’re reading this and you understand but you hide behind a smile and say you’re okay. Its fine, I know you’re not okay and that’s okay. If you’ve tried and failed, thank goodness cause whatever’s keeping you here, its keeping you for a reason. And if you’re thinking of trying, don’t. Please, just don’t. I don’t know you, I don’t know who you are or what you’re going through or the pain you feel but its not worth it. Whatever or whoever is around you making you feel this way is going to go away soon, I promise.
If you’re reading this now, I’m reaching out to let you know that you’re not alone.
Feel that? Yea…those are tears