Vanice Jane: Nothing beats revenge

Hey guys, i started writing again and this is what i have so far, please tell me what you think. email me or tweet at me @zee_salaudeen it would be great to hear from you. This is ‘Vanice Jane: Nothing beats revenge’

‘And just 2 days after he told me he loved me!’ Less cried

‘ Tell me again how it happened, there was too much sniffling the first time’ I said, spooning the strawberry syrup covered vanilla ice cream into my mouth.

In between sniffles, my best friend Leslie Johansson, began to speak

‘I went up to Derek when I saw him with Tiffany and he was like’ she choked ‘like tiffany understands his needs, I mean, what does that even mean!?!’

‘It means, your boyfriend or should I say ex has found a girl that actually puts out’ Tanya said from her spot on the beanbag all the way across my bedroom. She couldn’t be any closer, Leslie’s tears made her squirm.

Dear reader, you must excuse Tanya; She’s quite the sociopath but she’s me so I guess I’m quite the sociopath. Actually no, I’m not a sociopath. I have Multiple personality disorder, which in other words means I’m bipolar and Tanya is my loud, mouthy, bitchy and sassy alter.

Leslie glared at me through swollen lids and I put my hands over my mouth, I had thought Tanya was talking to me but she was talking through me. She has started to frighten me, usually I would feel her coming but now she’s taking up more and more space.

Leslie and my mum could tell the difference in the tones of voice but that didn’t stop them from being mad at me for Tanya’s mouthing off.

I turned to glare at Tanya and she just grinned ‘go on! Tell her!’ she whispered. I don’t know why she whispers sometimes, its not like anyone but me could hear her anyway.

‘tell her what?’ I asked, feigning ignorance ‘you know, your plan!’ she answered squinting a bit, I need to get my eyes checked ‘No Tanya, that’s not a plan. Just a random thought’ I insisted.

‘You know darling’ she drawled ‘not everyone has talent but everyone has a calling and yours honey, is payback’

And that is how Valice was born.



I completely forgot to introduce myself, how impolite of me. I’m Tracy Rutherford and no, I am not British. Every time I say my last name, some dimwit always comes up and asks me if I’m British; I’m not.

Somewhere along the line there may have been a British great great great great grandfather but he’s dead so no one cares. Moving on, where was I? Ahh of course! I’m Tracy in some circles but to others under oath, like you, I’m Valice and you are here to learn so listen.

 This will be your one and only lesson before you go out into the field, you either got it or you don’t and my dears, most times you don’t.


So I told Less my plan and at first she looked at me oddly but as Tanya had predicted we heard soon after that Tiffany had ended things with Derek and there was a side story of him having crabs and herpes, there were even pictures! But no, it’s not what you’re thinking, I didn’t tell Less to give him crabs or herpes.

You see, Derek is disgustingly allergic to any and every kind of seafood so Less and I paid him a visit, through his window when he wasn’t home and put a little cod liver oil and shrimp cocktail sauce in his lube, not enough for him to notice but just enough that his junk became limp, pale and covered in pus filled pimples, his left palm too. The pictures, that was pure fate in our favor. I call that ‘cock blocking level 1000000’.

 Bit childish you might think but it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship between me and a sweet thing called revenge.



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