Thoughts in the evening

As I lay there waiting for the bitter medicine to lull me to sleep, my mind starts to wander, touching a stray thought and moving on before making sense of it.

 The pearly, prettily illustrated cover of an old novel winks at me as I adjust my thumb in a page from which I had been reading. It was full of words I wanted to understand, in languages I wanted to learn.
 I always want things, and then I don’t and move on to wanting another thing.
It’s really funny, how things always find a way to unravel no matter how tight the knots.
 Best laid plans, I suppose.
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It’s back

It’s back

and i kinda just want to sink into the ground and let the earth cover me

Every time it goes away i always ask myself why i don’t fight it, why i don’t try and i promise myself that if it comes back i would definitely fight; Rage against the dying of the light and all that. It should be easy, i was always a fighter. then it comes back and i remember why all those times before i didn’t fight, i couldn’t.

I don’t want to

I just let my numbness cover me, walk around hollow till it stops or takes me over completely.

This one’s a bad one. i can feel it

So much for not going gentle into the goodnight.

Mended

Okay, I’m going to go now and not look back.
I’m not going to look back…
As I walked away I looked back
I saw the sadness of my heart mirrored in his eyes
It broke me
Seeing him like that
Knowing I was the reason for it
I put my head down the whole way home
Closing my eyes when I could so I wouldn’t cry
In the safety of home, I sat with my head in my hands and sobbed till I couldn’t breathe
Then I got up again and wiped my face
I refuse to be sad for having been happy
I had been happy
It fixed me

The wild hunt

You dream of faeries that dance and glide

I dream of ballrooms of bleeding feet

You dream of feasts and platters

I dream of excess and wine

You dream of truth

And I of trickery

You dream the seelie court of earth and meadows

I dream of the hunt across the sky,

Of Horses of Gale and hounds of thunder

I dream of storms and what they hide

I dream your screams as you die

Life and fire

I’m very young
I’m actually incredibly young
But
I’ve seen death and destruction
I’ve seen pain and suffering
I’ve seen grief, I’ve seen longing
I’ve seen life and light brought forth from darkness
I know of pain and silent suffering
I know stories of sacrifice and valor
I’ve seen loyalty and family and love
I’ve seen ties that run redder than blood
I’ve known laughter and joy and mirth beyond compare
I will see more, be part of more
I will live
I will live for those who can’t,
For those who won’t
For those that I love and that love me
I will live and I will burn
For me